My fundraiser for little Quinten is now less than two weeks away and I've been consumed with planning, strategizing and researching. I am by nature a list maker and an organizer, so I feel like I'm going full speed ahead and not doing too shabbily with the minute details of all this.
While I am extremely excited and passionate about my cause, I am also left to feel incredibly guilty. Why do I feel this amazingly organized brain fails me when it comes to my own son? Instead of following through on the "to do" lists for Conor, I stare at them, not knowing where to turn next, which "cure" might work for his Autism, what might help him communicate better. I read about the myriad of treatments, supplements and diets and I stop dead in my tracks, plagued by indecisiveness, worry and doubt. The "what ifs" torture me....what if they eventually do him more harm than good and on the other side....what if they would have helped him had I started him on them earlier?? A plethora of other moms seem to be certain of the paths they've chosen, while I sit here and feel paralyzed by indecision. And yet, here I am organizing all sorts of fundraising activities for a poor soul I do not know and feeling like I am making steady progress (whether it will be a success or not, I do not know; I just know that with this project at least I move forward).
Maybe with Quinten at least there is only one clear goal for now. To get him adopted and removed from the horrible possibility that he may be placed in a mental institution where he will likely die very young. While with Conor, there are so many areas to work on, I just cannot find that one clear path to move forward on. I realize there is no panacea, so I suppose I just need to be kinder to myself and do baby steps.
Any other moms out there feel this way?? How have you come to terms with the huge amount of research and therapy, etc. that needs to be done with your special needs child?
