Monday, November 14, 2011

Thine Own Worst Enemy

My fundraiser for little Quinten is now less than two weeks away and I've been consumed with planning, strategizing and researching.  I am by nature a list maker and an organizer, so I feel like I'm going full speed ahead and not doing too shabbily with the minute details of all this.

While I am extremely excited and passionate about my cause, I am also left to feel incredibly guilty.  Why do I feel this amazingly organized brain fails me when it comes to my own son?    Instead of following through on the "to do" lists for Conor, I stare at them, not knowing where to turn next, which "cure" might work for his Autism, what might help him communicate better.  I read about the myriad of treatments, supplements and diets and I stop dead in my tracks, plagued by indecisiveness, worry and doubt.  The "what ifs" torture me....what if they eventually do him more harm than good and on the other side....what if they would have helped him had I started him on them earlier??  A plethora of other moms seem to be certain of the paths they've chosen, while I sit here and feel paralyzed by indecision.  And yet, here I am organizing all sorts of fundraising activities for a poor soul I do not know and feeling like I am making steady progress (whether it will be a success or not, I do not know; I just know that with this project at least I move forward).

Maybe with Quinten at least there is only one clear goal for now.  To get him adopted and removed from the horrible possibility that he may be placed in a mental institution where he will likely die very young.  While with Conor, there are so many areas to work on, I just cannot find that one clear path to move forward on.  I realize there is no panacea, so I suppose I just need to be kinder to myself and do baby steps.

Any other moms out there feel this way??  How have you come to terms with the huge amount of research and therapy, etc. that needs to be done with your special needs child?


  1. I know what you mean. My child with DS is only 6 months old but I've already wondered if I've done enough, and I've encountered other moms who have their kids with special needs in so many different activities, I wonder if there's time left to be a kid. We can make ourselves krazy. Like you said, it's baby steps. There are big overarching goals, then smaller goals, then even smaller. Like yearly, monthly, weekly, daily. We'll figure it out...eventually! :)

  2. I think one of the most important things to do at a young age is to get them started with Early Intervention. Not sure which state you're in, but in PA we were able to have a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, a speech therapist and eventually a "Special Instructor" (akin to a preschool teacher) come to our home for sessions with Conor; that ended at age 3 and then he started at a special preschool. I'm glad though that I'm not the only mom who feels overwhelmed. I guess we just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and muddle through, best we can! :-)

  3. Personally, I don't feel this way. I thought I would. I thought I would compare my son to our other children and other people's children, but I don't. My husband and I were just talking about this subject the other day. I give him what I can and know that's the best I can do. Indecision can be awful. You'll stress yourself out to no end. It's easier for you to focus that energy n Quinten because you have a clear goal for him. As for Conor, you worry a lot more about those decisions. Just make a decision and don't look back. You know that you love him and want the absolute best for him. Sometimes that comes with tough decisions. You can do it! You've been doing it for eight years! Give yourself a pat on the back!

  4. I live in a constant state of guilt...LOL. I know I need to curtail that because it doesn't accomplish anything. I think I also need to break things down into small chunks instead of looking at all the things that need to be done all at once. Thanks for the words of encouragement! :-)